I'm a senior.

ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod-

I'm a senior.

To tell you honestly, this is the first time it has really sunk in to me that I am truly a senior now.

You may ask, why now? Why now when you only have but a quarter of school left? Why now when you were needed to be serious about this matter three quarters ago?

The answer to that is- I honestly don't know.

I had 3 high school years to muck around with and I pulled through. I always pulled through but now I'm thinking, will I be successful this time? Will I actually graduate?

Will I get into my dream school and be happy with it? Or Will I get into any school at all?!!

I had my chance but I didn't know what I had when I had it. I procrastinated and ended up being all scared about it in the end, and that's when I decided to pull through, to fix the mess I did and again, I don't know if I will be able to do that this time, if my luck can get me where I need to be this time.

Luck? I really don't think what I've been doing for the past 4 years was luck. It's determination- of a procrastinator, that is.

I tell myself "You can do this, girl. You can, you really can." and I end up putting it aside for the joys that I really wouldn't be enjoying if it weren't for the education I'll be excellent in someday, but God or some inner-good self of mine shakes me awake and convinces me to start doing the job, ("study well, if you must") to conquer my lazy-self that will then be dominated.

But it comes back, the annoying thing. We are always going to fight our laziness against our will to do something productive.

Now it's time to be really serious, really serious and be all mature and do what is needed of me to be able to get through all this.

Gone are the days of "Tweet now, study later. Honestly, it'll just take a minute anyway." and "Omg, this is too freaking boring. I wonder what's in Facebook?" or the inevitable "I need to check out my Tumblr, I might lose followers!!!" and "Augh, I need something to read this is chicken shit."

Yes, now is the right time to lose my old habits of delaying tactics! And am I scared, you might wonder? (or not) Why, yes, I am.

I am scared shitless right now as I am as uncertain.

For that is what I am- I am a high school senior.

We get sappy about the last fieldtrip, the last christmas party with our friends and classmates, the last mass, or even the last subtle fart during a class.

The little things- not wanting to miss school for that crucial Physics quiz you may or may not fail anyway, the seatmates you have fun with, the people you want to see, having to pay for everything even for a temporary I.D. that doesn't even have your name in it (so what's the point? I still don't get it), going out with your friends after school, having to go home the latest, having the day off and not having to miss anything, missing the schoool bus, the inside jokes with your classmates, cute teachers, terror teachers, sadist teachers, the usual high school stuff. I could go on forever but I think I'll leave it to that.

Being in high school made me realize not to take anything for granted and if possible, do things that will make you happy in a much more positive way. These things shouldn't make you sacrifice what you really need to do, because then it wouldn't be such a great thing after all, if it made you all unresponsible and miserable afterwards.

Yeah, I love being in High School and I'm scared of getting into college but I seriously do not want to stay another year and do it all again, if you know what I mean.

And yes, we have roughly 2 months yet, not to scare you or anything, because I think I covered that part well already, have a breather when it gets too much, be serious when you need to be, break something to unwind a little. (not advisable but if you must do it, then don't break promises and anything that has glass in it or something that'll hurt anyone)

So, with that aside, good luck my fellow seniors! Here to hoping we get through all this with excellence and some fun while we're at it.

P.S. This blog post was inspired by the "bombardation" of entrance test results dates.

I'm shaking right now because of the anxiety, seriously, I am.

I am not a star, nor am I the moon

I am a little girl, small and insecure

I am never satisfied with anything

I am restless, always looking for something new

Every Teardrop is a Waterfall

God damn it, I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I'm depressed.

But I don't really know why.

Sometimes, I wish I have some weird reason why I am this way and it's really confusing why I could be so depressed when I have everything I could ever need.

I am surrounded with people\\

But sometimes I think they don't care about me

And I understand,

I understand how they could be so caught up in their own lives.

I just wish I could feel genuine happiness.

What does it really feel?

summer's on its deathbed

more from here.

just dilly dallying around two weeks before summer ends. A small part of me is really excited for school but I know when the first week ends, I'll be in my personal hellhole again.

I really should change my outlook in life now that I'm in senior year.

déteste la vie

There's so much hate in my life right now. Maybe it's because of the weather, or my failed life as a novelist (jk wat), blogger, person, etc. I don't know. Gaah.

It's just weird.

The Castle's under siege.

My mediocre photography.

Well hello. The Royal wedding is occurring right now.

Not that it's that big of an impact to my life but I love everything British, you know. I would love to go to England someday. Actually, no, I will go to England someday.

And I used to have a crush on Prince William when I was in 5th (or was it 6th?) grade.

And Kate is just an admirable person altogether.

I mean, the main thing that added up to my admiration to England is probably their rich history, which I came to know when we studied it this year in my AP class.

And the places are just heavenly, and not to mention the merchandise. Haha.

I'm babbling but I must get on with my life.

Au revoir!

Trade Mistakes

Holly Golightly, independent heiress.

And I do wish I could be just like her sometimes, no my bad, all the time.

Let this be a proof that I made this blog post on a summer night of April 25, 2011 with a heavy heart because of being subtly rejected online.

I have come here to find solace from the disappointing bout that is my life.

Starting up has always been a difficult stage so here I am babbling about it instead of actually going down to the actual function of my introduction. 

Listening to some sensible music is where I also find comfort in self-depressing times like this. Oasis, Fall Out Boy, The Beatles, etc.

My blog is shitty. I have no friends to mingle with, because all of them are in their summer vacations or are too lazy to hang about with. I am suffering from low self-image issues. I want a lot of things to happen in my life that I can't start up with - and that adds up to my depression.

Nothing much has happened to my life since the start of summer vacations and I may sooner be faced with the fact that this summer has been nothing but me in a lazy haze, lying around and pigging out. 

Every summer, I promise myself that I will do something new and not just sit around and get myself 10 pounds heavier again, but every summer, again & again, that is what happens. Maybe I should figure myself out and think about what I really want, in the choices of

• Trying something new. Discover what I'm really good at.
• Just sit around because that's the easy way in
• Go on an adventure. 
• Be like Matilda (Roald Dahl)- only like nearly a decade older
• Please just excuse all this for bad humor or something else worth classifying to.